pawpaw

2006-03-25T11:37:00.000+08:00

pls view my new blog at http://miodrago.blogspot.com
temporary skin.
awaiting lena...

2006-01-11T17:17:00.000+08:00

new blog under construction.
pls blame lena for being busy d:
and i do check the board so can still tag.

2006-01-01T20:55:00.000+08:00

i must reflect on today.

i got almost all the material goods i wanted. jersey, stainless steel ring(very unique!). yepp. and another shirt i would never dreamt of wearing. giordano junior! surprised by it (:

but then, i had to spoil the day by showing my bad temper X( sorry mum. and also my aunts. and jie. i guess im really no better than yu tian's son. god. what went into me i dunno. but i've gotta CHANGE. dammit. they are buying things for u. giving true and honest opinions. u dun go showing them a long face u fucking bastard.

ok. bastard signing off~

OH I ALMOST FORGOT. HAPPY NEW YEAR PPLE! (X

2005-12-31T18:51:00.000+08:00

it's been long since i blogged.

been on a more happy and less angry mood these days, esp since i stopped feeding myself with HD stories and choking myself up...

went on 3 day trip to msia with my relatives of my mum's side. been looking forward to it somehow cos it's always really fun with them. first day we went times square and played almost the whole day. ^ ^ pulled becca and simei to the coaster so was real happy. they only sat one time but well, it's an accomplishment. (: anyway i've got nerd-nerd with me so it's not as bad as when i was ALONE usually. marcus and adeline couldnt ride many, but well. ^ ^

then we went genting the next day...it rained. and the 3 morons decided to go bowling a couple pf hours after we went in so my mood was pretty foul. budden the rest of us queued tgt after the rain..and made fools of ourselves in front of everybody by singing at the top of our voices. we earned somebody's praise of 'siao gina' in one queue. simei and becca were pretty pissd but i was pretty happy all the same. ^ ^

third day we finally went shopping with the adults. durgh. bought shades and hairclips and a necklace and FOOOOOD (: yeah. thats about it. cant wait for next yr's trip.

ok. next. classes! im going to 302 next yr. so is jess, jiacong, rahchel...and some others i cant rmb. oh yeah, anzie and wenyu. coolness. but well. i would rather not change classes. i noe lena's rather sad abt it. and so is sher. and i hate to see this. but i have no zi ge to comfort them cos im positive if not neutral abt the my allocation. =/ well. i hate it.

wat next? OH YA. i simply LURVE bai se ju ta. ITS GOOD OKAYY SO WAKE UP. honestly its the only show that when i watch...i dun realise they are acting. its that good. at least to me.

yupp. anyway...other then that....i gues im dreading school reopening. evn tho im no longer dpressd and angry. im more confident. and less suicidal. i turn to orange more to black now.

what.

tada.

2005-12-19T19:34:00.000+08:00

i had a cool but bittersweet dream last night. ok. mebbe this morning.

anyway. i forgot how it started but i can rmb i was on this topless airplane. and somehow it was tumbling in the air and i was trying to tighten my bloody seatbelt. and then the coffee bottle in my pocket (??) flew up (down?) and back towards aline and jeaness and audrey sitting far far behind. sth lidat.

then suddenly we have landed. uh aline they all were complaining about the stain my coffe made (chuckles) and we made our way across the desert-like terrain...uh then my companions turned into my relatives and we reached the foot of a cliff. someone said that we were staying there for the night. then we looked up and saw a pack on lions on the clifftop. but then there were red indians camping midway on the cliff so we reckoned we would be safe. then i forgot wat happened, but in my impression the lions became dinosaurs (go on. laugh.)

then i tink my parents went off in some vehicle and came back with someone whom did not have a face but i knew exactly who he was. my dragon. i seemed to be EXTREMELY relieved to see him and pounced for a very tight hug.

somewhere along this line i woke up for awhile, and my heart sank when i returned to reality. i was hugging my bolster. but i was STUBBORN and REFUSE to be strip of the only time i can be with him. so bloody hell, it was cold, i threw on my blankets and forced my way back into the dream.

but he was gone from my arms. i tink i was floating beside isaac sim when he was driving a car (?!?!?) past my primary school gate. right. he was asking me abt carpark advice. i said why dunt u park at the dinosaur land's multi-storey carpark. so he did. then i felt guilty cos i realised he could park for free in my pri school, but nvm. (GO ON. laugh or curse me for writing this rubbish to sink u)

and then...the driveway beside the cliff (?) became some sort of a...rock aquarium cum bar cum... ok. anyway, i was with him and i tink i was unhappy with him cos he ignored me. so i went to the bar beside the one he was at and chatted nonchalently to the bartender and some other person i cant rmb. then the space behind the bar became a pond of some kind and the idiot bartender started teaching me how to play some game involving aquatic 4-leaved clovers. (f!)

so then. i tink i was bloody hell depressed over my dragon still. and i dove INTO to the pond in atempt to search for the clovers but HELL, they were all gone. i sensed (and saw) him approaching and hid under the rock ceiling of the pond. (F!)

sth lidat and i dun rmb anything else le. when i woke up the first thing i rmb was the hug.

i was so pissed to be awake. but i didnt wanna lie there cos i may just break down and cry to my pathetic bolster. so i woke up half and hour earlier than usual and had proper breakfast. after which i promptly returned myself to the fantasy that stabs my heart repeatedly.

ok. i cant believe u read till here. now u noe why i sleep and 9pm on schooldays and yawn in classes.

2005-12-14T18:40:00.000+08:00

im so angry wif myself.

wad de hell went wrong? dammit i never liked the emphasis on pointing toes.

dammit. i gotta rest. FOR 2 WHOLE WEEKS! kuss!

bloody hell. im sorry pple. i just hope fiona is right.

2005-12-03T18:47:00.000+08:00

those who have been tagged!

rules of the game: post 5 weird facts about yourself.
at the end, list 5 people to do the same.
leave a tag on their board, saying:"you are tagged". and they have to do the same!

rite. that chunk was copied from aline's blog. hmph so mah fan.
haha but nvm i'll do it for the sake of aline =D
hehe.

1` i get really depressed when im alone. and think abt real stupid things. but wen i get to have pple around me, i imediately change mode and go crazy.

2` i love hugging pple. it freaks pple out, but i just love the feeling, however superficial, of security. ^ ^

3` im confused by a-guas. i'll be thinking: "walau why didnt u tell me! i gladly exchange place wif u!"

4` i refuse to eat sharksfin. totally. and one day im gonna become vegetarian. i hate my relatives for trying to make me see how stupid i am and convince me that sharks are bred in captivity. hogwash.

5` manicures will NEVER work for me.

ok im done. now, who shal i get?
hmmmm....
-lena (when she's back)
-leeqi
-grace
-simei
-jiayi

ahahaha...aline says it's "spreading the joy".

2005-12-01T16:10:00.000+08:00

i suck at writing man.

haii. aching at the shins. o_0 first time.

went to hospital to visit my uncle. god he looked bad. stitches and fractures. > < get well!!

then im back at home writing. i suck at it.

~_~ **

2005-11-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

unlovable.
unlovingable.

foytering deeper.
sinking into drary haco.

and losing myself more.

help me, someone.

anyone.

2005-11-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

it's been long.
i wonder if i ever posted sth offending that may land me in jail or sth. scary~

anyway. uh. i apologise hereby, and hope nobody superior come tumbling past my blog and start reading my posts one by one. i mean, i seriously HOPE vulgarities and my own thinking does not get me in trouble. if not, i tink i'll rather get a hard copy diary. =/

anyway. bird flu. so shit can ornot. walao la. i mean, think it frm the chickens' pov. it's equivalent to us LOCKING SARS patients up, and building a BIG fire to BURN them all, AND plus ALL THEIR NEIGHBOURS or any acquintances within a certain neighbourhood. o_0" haii. mankind.

reaching for the stars! watch it! ;)

i miss lena and congy and lin.... T.T

2005-11-16T18:06:00.000+08:00

god im totally in love with them... > <

help~~

2005-11-14T12:46:00.000+08:00

im recovering!
thank you all! ;)

anyway im abit sick of the internet now.
so aint gonna post much.

yep. take care, ppl! x)

2005-11-05T13:19:00.000+08:00

i am sick.

it was on and off. so pa ma took me to see doc. took a blood test even.

whoa. i must get well tmr. if not im reli hopeless.

2005-11-01T17:53:00.000+08:00

rite. just let me note down.

thurs: All About Love with lin!

fri: combat yoga with lin! ached! x)

sat: mo gui training!! almost all stamina-based! god i hate it.

mon: maths trail with onions! got 1st in grp and 2nd overall! ;) yay we're a great team! xD

2005-10-25T18:58:00.000+08:00

wow, lena.

im quite sure we were twin sisters in our previous lives or sth.

o_0 im flabbergasted.

but... dun worry.

you are always more lucky than me ;)

differences in similarity too! jiayou jiayou jiayou!

and onions! go read the class blog! im gonna post sth. x)

2005-10-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of stabbing and bashing 2 men to death last night. i think i dreamt of it b4.

2005-10-22T19:16:00.000+08:00

YAY im back! been away for so long and YES my tagboard is alive!

hehehehe. tankyo ppl! ;) anyway...i have alot to say these days but must refrain frm blogging so now i'll spew it all out ^ ^

the china astronauts brot pig's sperm to space isit? or sth lidat la. i was so pissed when i heard the news. then came the many stories abt the dissection of rats in school and qi was telling me how they murder the rats first. =__=" wtf la. and it is no excuse tt because rats are in great number that u use them for experiments? humans are in great numbers too, if u ask me. why not i bundle u up in a big plastic bag and attach it to the car exhaust till u die, strap u to the bloody platform and dissect u? wth. then, pig sperm in space. wtf. let me bring UR sperm and put it in space and see if a mutant human results? =___= and shuddup abt me being dense and paranoid. to aid science is no bloody excuse. heck it.

ytd after maths paper we were rejoicing and trying on our class tee! its WONDERFUL! YESH! wahahaha. =)) then we were all calling jasonng DAD =D and showing him our tees. x)) then we shouted BYE DAD and we were off to HAVOC ORCHARD! first me, qi, chen, lin, jia and lena went to jack's place to eat! god... qi cudnt finish her soup, and lena wasnt supposed to have hers. so i ended up drinking most of theirs plus mine. then main course. lena wasnt supposed to have one neither so i koped her fries. and ate my potato skins!!! delicious! ^ ^ and some of chen's potato! then...chen jia nad lena had to go bak sch. so me qi and lin had 6 helpings of dessert, but it ended up lin eating half and qi 2 and me the rest =) well. no complains i guess. FOOD rocks my world. and tt is being carnivorous is one sin im sorry to commit again and again. =\ sorry i threw away all the vegg too. > <

then 3 of us went heeren to let lin buy wat she wanted. HOCC =)) then, loitered arnd..decided to go cine to wait for them in the..ahem arcade. (= played like siao. im ashamed to announce tt i was traumatized by the house of the dead. lol. x) airhockey! i won qi AND lin 11 to 9!!! woohoo! =p hehehe. nan de leh. ^ ^"

then jia and lena returned. we havoc around IN PUBLIC till 2 so tt we can get into kbox. i never knew movie posters and cardboard discs could be so fun. LOL. for more info pls go to qi's blog. she may post the pics soon. xD

so we went to kbox, and qi went to arcade herself > < sang for 4 hrs! funfunfun!

then today told my mum abt the bill. 70-sth for 4 ppl! then she was like "aiyo! why waste money??? just use the money, buy the karaoke vcds, buy some drinks, and go sb's hse to sing all u want la! can sing forever! and if paiseh then buy some drinks go there for tt person lor!" tot it was silly at first, then think abt it, she makes sense man. =D i love mum!

today had netball prac. very impressed wif qiu! x) she's great! ^ ^ aint on the team but trained wif them. fun! 201 go! we are gonne be too fast to furious! woohoooo. yep. then. yeah. took pics wif qi in class. lol. kept stabbing myself in the back on the bloody nails and partition holders. =___=

yeah. guess tts all. =\

2005-10-13T17:38:00.000+08:00

i wanna apologise to everyone.

nope jess. im not depressed or anything. i really am sorry.

everything, anything i do does not go through processing in my brain more than once.
when the damage's done then i say sorry.

i do it over and over again.
same mistake over a period of almost 10 years.

with tchrs, parents, classmates, frens.

my apologies are starting to seem empty to pple.
meaningless, simply a word that does not come from my heart.

im sorry.

i really am.

i do not ask for forgiveness, but i ask for nobody to come and tell me im not at fault.

cos i am.

i alr do not deserve all i have now.
i jing4 ran2 still crave for more.

damn me.

whatever it is, i beg that all of you believe me, at least this time.

im sorry.

2005-10-12T15:42:00.000+08:00

two things burning my mind up presently.

one: piano. i was waiting for mum in foyer today, when i heard the wats-her-name-in-my-jap-class-who-can-draw-manga-well playing Blood on the piano. im like WAT THE SHIT OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SAVE ME. >< am i envious? absolutely. do i regret not learning piano? dun tink so. but...the fact tt i cant play the itching tune in my mind everytime i stare at the keyboard even with the score makes me frustrated. yep. crap. T_T sb kill me.

two: mum. i want to ask if u want me to go overseas to study or not? and dad too actually. do yall reli want me to go? arent u afraid that history will repeat itself? im not happy studying, and if im still unhappy studying next time...would i go? if u were to tell me tt u actually dun want me to go, but onli cos i shud have an edu, then i will rather not go.

oh yeah...and last night was thinking abt loads of stuff...like korea...and my legs.
i dun like hols to other countries.
makes me get wilder and all torn up.
almost one year le. and almost half a year le.
im still writhing in my blood.

sb just finish me off.

2005-10-10T22:01:00.000+08:00

gotta start planning post exam stuff! then got motivation! WAHAHAHA.
lets see... gonna watch corpse bride, flight plan (wateva it is abt =___= it beta be gd) and goblet of fire!!! woohoo!!
im gonna scan all of zetsuai! kisses to fiona! =D
gonna dance, yoga, rollerblade, drum.
i hope to get a tan and a week-long sick leave.

wahahahahaha. happy days are not far off! wahahahahaa.

i miss nihon!!!!!!!!

2005-10-09T17:20:00.000+08:00

这一生，最遗憾的要是没机会做个被男人爱的男人。

当然，若我是男人，我也许根本不会欣赏 gay。

当然，若我是男人，可能跟就没有漫画中那种轰轰烈烈的爱。

因为只有在那永远不会实现的世界里，才有令人感动的爱。

当然，以后可能我不过又是社会里其中一个 despo 的女人。

当然，也许如今的痛苦也不过是我自己捏造出来的。

但是…这又何尝比现代绝望的恋情的痛苦还要痛苦呢？
我宁可呆在虚拟的痛苦中，无中生有，好过面对着无聊的世界。

反正，大家到最后还是灰飞烟灭的。

我不信神。原因就在此。

2005-10-06T19:54:00.000+08:00

Quidam
Cirque du Soleil
Wed 05 Oct 2005

What can i say. Its Cirque du Soleil.
Lemme list out the stuff.

First! the wheel guy! its the one they did in nkf show, only that this guy is much more..relaxed and had a having-fun-look ^ ^ was totally turned on by the wheel. YES turned on ;) he was doing the very fun move with it and i was like "whee!" and then wenxin was like "tsk." ^ ^ man i wanna play!!!!!!!!
next, the luo girls! you noe the drum thingy they spin on a string and fling it around? i was almost touched to tears. why? dunno. was simply wonderful. mebbe cos they were so young and pro. they were throwing it around, catching, running, flipping, somersaulting, and NEVER ONCE did they drop any of the luos. T.T
Then got a molest story. Poor woman from audience was called up. then the qian bian person wanted her to kiss him. and he messed up her hair. of course, it was hilarious and i lub it, budden i wun be surprised if the woman was pissed.
Cloth! Where the dunno-guy-or-girl plays with two long, wide strips of bright red cloth in midair. Juee kept going 'omg omg omg' 'ouch' and i was just ignoring her ^ ^ was bloody touched. the live band and singers rocked too.
Skipping ropes! Made up of lots of pple but actually only 2 pro ones. It was in this section when something went wrong. yep, i tink most pple noticed unless they were looking at the distracting clowny-pple at the back (or my left-side). yep. it was one whole row of the less-pro pple hopping, then the pro girl goes behind them and skips consecutively with each of them. then about 3/4 down shud be the less-pro person whose timing was wrong and caused her to have to stop and act like nothing happened. Then the other pro person was a chinese-looking guy, and he took a small rope, skipped side-by-side with the girl with another rope,and then outside of them two other pple skipped them with a big one. ^ ^ wasnt esp flabbergasted, but it was all cheery and bouncy so yeah =)
Then i tink intermission. i dunno. buti was impatient and abit disturbed cos intermission means ALREADY HALFWAY. and i was like HUH SO FAST?!? WTH.
okie then it was hoops! wenxin asked if the three girls were triplets..i didnt think so. but anyway, they appeared in midair all intertwined on a single hoop suspended high. coolness. beautiful. then they got one hoop each and did real gracful and flex stuff. yeah. not to mention their figures.
then another funny person came out. he's the sort of MC la. yeah. and he wore a dartboard on his head and tried to dart a balloon but it landed on his shoulder instead. =___=
next, ROPES! thick, rough, dangly ropes! 3 girls 2 guys. one guy climbed up the WHOLE ROPE IN L-HOLD. WTF! THE WHOLE ROPE! L-HOLD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WTH LA. we cant even like hold it still. =____+ haii. envy envy. ^ ^ then then spin here, swing there, turn here, hang there. yeah. cool jiu dui ler.
then a couple came out. their costumes were...very..tight.. urhurhur. budden they got ben qian to lu la. so nvm. ^ ^ then they started doing all the stuff that require full understanding of CG and moment =p all in slowmo. DAM COOL. and the music was dam touching also. sighhhhhhhhhhhh.....
then another tall hilarious guy came out. wenxin likes him ^ ^ he got 5 pple to go on stage and do up a movie-filming. DAM FUNNY. got one guy he was reli funny too =D
last thing worth toking abt is the SWING. that was the only performer who was literally smiling all the way. yeah im sure she was having GREAT FUN. tts the 2nd thing i wanna try... =D the last move was o_0 walabibi! she totally broke contact with the rope and zoom one full circle and she's sitting on the rope again! 0_o

all in all, crazily perfect. =) BUT. its too short la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

okay... i had a burning argument in my head earlier in the day but i forgot about it.
so..nvm.

learnt jive today! however u spell it...jive..jyve..jaif.. hmm..oh it is JIVE! i checked the dict (;
it was veryveryvery fun! woohoo.
then music also very fun! we had a folk dance! so lame but fun! ^ ^
budden aft we settled down again i started to haf headache.
haha.

er..then wad leh..
er...ummm..
well..
mebbe i abit more fang xin leh ba.
seeing ur wahaz again. ^ ^ lol.
sleep ba! =)

ok. um. OH YEAH!
QUIDAM HERE I COME! =))))))))

2005-10-02T19:55:00.000+08:00

虽然我决定开始不想你了，你也不要在我疗伤的时候突然又出状况让我担心好不好。

i can't take this kinda stress too.

please. just give me a reply to let me know u are still having faith.

i really cant take this.

2005-09-29T18:55:00.000+08:00

well. jap test's over, seen muto sensei.

feeling so dam empty.

i've been looking forward to this test i guess.

now its over.. =
anw..gd luck to the sannensei senpai's. ashita ganbatte ne!

sigh. feel like going back to shiji and tell mikana all abt my shiken. > <

muto's sensei's wedding's gona be on 15 jan. wowee. =\ guess my bdae next yr would be... =
haii. empty empty. nth to look forward to, nth to satiate me.

mebbe except tv.

listening to music makes me dam dpressed.

pls. dun let me become suicidal again.

2005-09-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

南條晃司！！！
你这个大笨蛋！！！！！！！
0。0
欠揍咧！＞＜

幸好他是爱你的。

好啦好啦…我还是超爱你们啦！

永远是我的榜样！

尾崎　南！どうもありがとう！

2005-09-26T20:17:00.000+08:00

会被时间冲淡的爱，叫“现代的爱”

我要的爱，是绝无性别、年龄、时间之顾虑。

天涯海角，我一定找得到你。

若找不到，我也会抱着我对 -絶愛- 的信念，含笑而去。

等着轮廓再次把我送回这残酷的世界。

继续找寻。

人死就是死了，我并不相信来世。

但是，我相信 -絶愛- 是绝对值得用生命去追逐的。

原来我一直都是那么愚蠢…

2005-09-23T23:14:00.000+08:00

according to wanchee, durian potong is healthy!

because durian is fruit, ice cream is water frozen.
durian potong would be frozen water durian.
since the ingredients are fruit and h2o, it is healthy.

ms wong wanchee thus encourages me to eat more of durian potong.

dun you think she can be a nutritionist next time?
she'll be famous for her wonderful consultation!

lol! today had prize presentation. it was much better thn speech day, they had this REALLY smart method which made the process like twice as fast. that was they would say "For basketball, there are how-many-how-many receipients" then the names of the pple would be flashed on the screen instead of reading out. smart move. but anyway still took an hour or so. so me and wanchee were so bored we took to reading each other's smses and playing with blutooth. =D funn! haha then took pic wif her! heh. the reception food was okay. i like the fruit tart! i tink i ate...7 pieces and wanchee rolled her eyes ^ ^"

very tired aft tt so went home and slept after a shower.

real pissed wif mrs anis and that old woman. totally 'rigid in mindset'.
> < sorry spastics and wenyu. was very uh..dao during assembly.
yeps.
and sweaty-palmy.
> <> <

oh, and i lub wanchee!! =D

2005-09-22T17:14:00.000+08:00

so pissed.

those guys. urgh.

see us approaching and imediately start dribbling ball.
i mean REAL balls k =__=

wt-aff la.

ok. i admit that i haf alwaes been a flirt some way or another.
whether wif guys or girls (depending on my mood =p)

BUT. today i felt different. ok there was this gnawing urge to flirt as well, i admit, but i felt a bigger sense of... arrogance. its like i wanted to show how i wont be outdone by them. so i came home and while i was showering i tot abt it.

yep. i tink im moving off with my hairstyle alr.

no doubt, i do not have a totally guy-style, but well, its punk.

and see? i still feel like flirting, BUT i felt more like proving tt im better than them.

hurhur.

i tink i never mentioned here tt my sis and aunt asked me if i liked girls or not.

they were talking abt my hair over dinner...
sis (wif tt serious tone and stare): "that's why, 我怕等下她变成男人婆."
aunt: "哎哟，嘉啊，我问你啊，你喜不喜欢女生的哈？"
me: "我...不喜欢女孩子。"
aunt:"但也不喜欢男孩子对吗？"
me:"..."

chaoji lame lor. but anyway, my sis and aunt are right to a small extent. yeps. im gonna become nan2 ren2 po2 i tink. BUT i mean it when i say i dun like girls.

Firstly, I do feel strongly abt my hairstyle and dress code. bikini, well yeah its gd for tan, but i wud prefer trunks if i could wear them out. I also find Jay Chou's vulgarities DAM DIAO, and aim to cut HIS hair next yr. Thus, my sis and aunt are right to a small extent.

However, I DO NOT LIKE GIRLS. i tot i did when i crushed some of the teachers la, classmates la, seniors la. BUDDEN. onli recently i realised that it was the passing fancy. it is only natural that a guy likes a girl rite? im guy-at-heart. thus my sis and aunt are only right to a small extent.

Also, I LIKE GUYS. this is, of course, with thanks to lena and fiona who enlightened me. ^ ^ from contextual knowledge, ikumi-koji, HD, fuuma-kamui, subaru-seichiirou blahblah are some great examples.

ok. from here most normal people will start getting irritated by my entry. (unless u have alr gotten irritated before this) i take pride in my obsession with ikumi and company, and have noticed how other people DO NOT AGREE WITH ME. pls la. i noe wat u all gonna say la. "its just a passing stage of teenage," durgh. =__=" wateva it is. like i have said earlier, with cross-reference to my second last entry (or isit 3rd) i wanna blog abt it so next time when i get hurt by a "true" love, i will look back and realise how wise i am now. =D wateva. if u dun like it, get lost. back to my argument.

homo's are brave people who are truly willing to give up anything for the sake of their love. i dun prefer lesbians becos well, as i have said, i like guys. i believe that love between a male and a female is getting more and more unreal these days. walk past her on the streets, say hi and go on a date and WALA! u claim to be in love alr. wow. dun wanna elaborate again on this. anyway, because i like guys, thus my sis and aunt are only right to a small extent.

In conclusion, even though my sis's prediction that i may become a nan2 ren2 po2 is about 80% true, she and my aunt's guess that i may not like guys and like girls instead is totally, totally wrong. at least, its wrong NOW. Therefore, my sis and aunt are only right to a smally-small-small extent.

P.E.E, intro, 2 pts + 1 pt substantiated with contextual knowledge and cross-reference, balanced conclusion.
tankyo.

discriminate me if u want, but pls, i treasure all my frenships with all of u guys. ;)
i promise i wunt rape u all. ^ ^"

2005-09-18T11:59:00.000+08:00

dreamz dreamz dreamz...

i've dreamt so many things.
for once i dreamt of you in a nice way.

ok 1st, i dreamt of lena and her boyfren.
dun ask me.
i have no idea.

then some weird stuff la..

uh then i was back at the genting-feeling theme park..walking arnd with sum ppl..
with you.. and was all nice and happy when i was awoken by the howling wind.

wth.

then...shit i dun rmb liao.
i was all sad when i woke up..went back to sleep after stoning for half an hr..
then had another dream.
forgot wat it is.

wt-aff.

then i feel all weird now i see lena's tag. =____= are u serious? > <
wth wth wth.

2005-09-17T18:15:00.000+08:00

love. how ppl insist they are experiencing "true" love.

true love.
of course it's "true" love. the word "true" does not need to include 'forever', 'never-dying' nor 'mono-ism'.

it is true love even when it ends in a divorce or a breakup after as fast as one day.

it is true love even when he/she/you get sick of the other person.

it is true love even when he/she/you give it to more than one person.

oh wow.

even better, u say it is true love after one night's sex.
even better, u say it is true love after you get married.
even better, u say it is true love after you get children.
or even better, u say it is still true love when you two end up in divorce/breakup. u still insist so.

wonderful argument, folks. wow oh wow.

what the hell is true love? im beginning to doubt its existence. no. maybe i should say, it is becoming endangered.
it's just a mass of grey brain cells, ppl.
"oh! monkeys and fishes and reptiles have brain matter too! its ALL true love!"
please. even the ever-touching story of the penguins depict a one-year r/s.
just because homo sapiens can go over a year and its true love?
please la.

our job is to create offspring and since u all are doing such a lousy job by putting on condoms or passing on AIDS virus to the new generations, i'd say u quit. stop using love as an excuse.

now, for those who really are in love? of course there are such ppl.
but if u notice, it is usually between ppl who CAN'T have sex, CAN'T breakup, CAN'T just say byebye. yes im for gayism, but im talking about parent-child r/s.
gayism proves it too. u cant have sex. u cant even be assured of the basic mutual acceptance.

now, i will probably fall in "love" sooner or later. by that time im sure i'll be calling it true love too. but come to think of it, just like everything, u die one day. wats the point of thinking so much then? just get married and have all the sex u've been wanting and give birth to ur kids and all. then go and die.

thats it isnt it?
so why am i wasting so much time on this?
maybe cos im trying to make myself feel better.
maybe cos i wanna get outta my pain.
maybe cos im jealous of those couples.

maybe...probably..because that's the real definition of "true" love nowadays.

watever.
i dun care wad u gonna say.
aff it.
u gonna critisize?
oh, i SO give a shit!

2005-09-12T19:27:00.000+08:00

i realised that we havent learnt those 2 things yet. chey.

i've not thought about you for a long, long time.

sighh. read my 2nd gay story. i mean a proper one. once again im touched to tears. why? 'cos it's really ironic when you realise that the most desirable love is actually able to exist best, if not only, in a quite indesirable way. oh no, i dun think tt it's undesirable. i mean, the society feels that it's undesirable. maybe im wrong. i just feel tt it really takes true emotion to yank you thru so many social obstacles, not mentioning the fact tt you cant really have sex tgt.

i miss your laugh. i miss making you laugh. i miss you making me laugh.

first day of school, never thot i would end the day feeling so dam empty. having a loud song blasting at me now cos i simply wanna numb myself. this is about the most raw entry i've had for a very long time.

and most of all, i miss laughing with you.

i really need to thank alot of pple. even if you were the one who angered me, saddened me. guess i wouldnt give up the chance of meeting u guys, even if it means suffering so much. one person, i cannot mention the name. it hurts real bad. but i definitely would never change my mind if i had a yumemi to tell me what will happen to me. i dun think u'll ever know how much you mean to me. im sure you wont see this either. =) what irony.

i'm not sure how it went. u looked like everything i wanted. so i took.

i will work hard for my studies. i have no idea why. i just will. i hope it's not too late. thankyou everyone. im not gonna type names in case i leave sb out, but... i hope u'll understand who im talking abt.

the first time i took. the first time...and my breath had been taken away till now.

gays are more sensitive than you think. not so sure abt les. i prefer gays. so stop being discriminated against them.

why not me? maybe cos...i dunno.
the pain.
i've been avoiding it for weeks.
sadly,
sadly...

i've succeeded in ignoring it.

such that when i revisit the dream, i get torn deeper.

2005-09-09T15:11:00.000+08:00

「あげる」「もらう」を使って、文を完成する
god. wat on earth is 「あげる」 & 「もらう」? oh man i dun even rmb learning abt it. o man o man i better start my jap revision soon. i alr cant forgive myself for geog and maths. if anything goes wrong for jap then tt's another motivation busted. > < -crosses fingers-

sighh. so tired. went for canopy walk this morning. walau so dam tiring. > <" it was enriching to some extent, and the view on the bridge was truly wonderful, budden again i dun see how constructing a walkway thru the forest helps. well. maybe im saying this cos i hate the walk. and they might say its to educate pple so that they wunt do further damage to the forest...but wel. u shud haf seen the rubbish there. =(

walked to post-office there for roti prata. then called mum from home to come fetch us cos i didnt tink i can walk home again. hehe. oh ya! i must tok abt the man who was almost knocked by the bus. ok. see me and dad were walking along the road la..pretty dangerous alr, but this man apparently wanna walk faster so he walked further out to the road to overtake us. then at tt moment a bus came swishing beside him and my dad tot he heard the man's head being knocked. haha. no la. i guess it just brushed past him. then? he started to scold the bus and chanted its plate number. haha i was still silently agreeing with him when suddenly i realised we werent even supposed to be walking there and he's blaming the bus? =__=" lol wateva lor. then the next thing, he.. ah well i better not say in case i offend many pple. > <

came home, bathed and had a karaoke session in the com room LOL. probably cos during the treetop walk i had to keep all the baofali inside me so had to let it out. x) then went to watch 2 vcds. wisely. i stopped some time ago so decided to start from beginning. (=

now i wanna do jap. budden i also wanna slp. how. sighh. shd i slp? shd i mug? hmmm... lalalalala~~

2005-09-07T13:26:00.000+08:00

eternal gratefulness to lena. ilu!

ytd heard some news on the katrina thingy.
not shamelessly to say, i dun feel anything nor see any need for me to know abt it.
until my parents were telling me that it was new orleans and i remembered the aquarium we went. they say its probably all gone.
then i felt this sadness. the fishies and animals. all dead.
heartless? well in YOUR point that is. the dead pple? i'd say huo gai. the fishes? i wanna say sorry cos im one of those pple who go visit aquariums and cause more fishes to be captured. im really sorry.

2005-09-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

this is dedicated to lena.
this is the magic of lena.
thankyou darling. absolutely.

today watched march of the penguins! righto after it lena went crazy abt penguins lol. met so many ppl there! wanchee, hui, ann, char, fiona.. =D so happy. then we went to eat abit, then went kbox for 2 hrs. the bloody shit of a receptionist. hoo. i shud learn to be fierce with them. then went home with aching thighs. ow. wanted to do RS but realised i couldnt really start on anything except the title of the report. =\ so slack arnd reading GAY COMIC FROM DARLING FIONA -hugs to fiona- and changing my skin ^ ^ -hugs to lena- now it's 11 but i feel i shud do some work. so i shall fin the comic first, then do chi assessment, since mum's been nagging. sighh. wunt be productive tho. cant reli think straight.

2005-09-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

JOHNNY DEPP ROCKS!
WILLY WONKA WILLY WONKA~ THE AMAZING CHOCOLATEER~
woopee. i feel dam high. FIRST TIME I LUFF IN A MOVIE LUFF TILL I CRY.
MYGOODNESS. that deep roy, his face so qian bian i was practically rolling off my seat. OH MAN. walau. that sickening face is so hilarious. OMG. -doubles up luffing-

ok. anyway i tink im pretty inspired by johnny depp now ^ ^ i shud go watch pirates someday. mmhmm.

i cant find my handcuffs..... x(( waaa handcuffffffffsssssss!!!!! i cant complete my drawing without the specimen. I CANT PICTURE IT. but i must say im rather proud of myself! finding the interest in drawing again and being distracted from---- for more than half the day. yay. i can do it. thanks alot to rhysenn. =)) hdhdhdhdhdhdhdhdhd~~~

2005-09-03T18:55:00.000+08:00

walau tis totally sux like shit.
WALAU. all i said was "he called back the other day didnt he?"
and u get angry.
WHATEVER LA.
yes, i very bu gan yuan email him, thats cos HE ALR DOESNT FEEL LIKE A BROTHER.
I NOE IM HEARTLESS. I NOE IM CHILDISH.
why the hell did yall give birth to me wen he was 16 then?
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL WHEN PPL SAY IM SO LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH OLDER SIBLINGS NOT? NO!

2005-08-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

04 aUg
great. this blog is black like totally.
just abt the same as my mood.
today was the first day in school with mitsuki.
cant say i had fun.
at least sam was there.
is it i never try hard enuff?
is it i look too scary?
isnt this supposed to be 2-way?
wateva it is...had chem eoi, chi ppt presentatn and AMC today.
toking abt AMC, WTF la. waste of time and money. fuckers.
then..had dance rehearsal at moelc...sorta sad when i got there, maybe cos everyone looked like they were having fun.. nearly cried woops.
dumby chong was still having PMS. sucker. he wants us to put FLOWERS in our hair. WTH. i'd rather stick some spastic looking...satay-stick or sth.. =_=" anw tts not e point lol.
point is he's a sucker.
man im getting reeeeel vulgar. i dun care. stick arnd or leave.
__________

06 aUg
yesterday had the dance performance and dinner.was pretty fun, and sort of let mitsuki warm up a bit more.mebbe i shud smile more.-__-"the food sucked. but i was hungry, so aft my teeny bowl of noodles i ate half of gabu's, one third of nic's, and then 2 more bowls which nobody wanted at my table. lol. then tried fooling arnd,but dunno why simply couldnt reach the craziness level of the past. =/i got quite sad at the end. felt so stuffed up everthing seemed to be stuck in me.tried reading my manga to distract myself before slping, and thanks to it, i was touched to tears and managed to relieve some of the stuffing in me.they went to sentosa today. YES. freedom for a day. DAMMIT i haf to do chi pt. suckers.

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06 aUg
haha i shall blog since theres onli abt 15 mins left b4 i haf to go fetch mitsuki.lol i wanted to do my pt! budden i started reading my manga. FOR A WHILE. then i couldnt stop. haha. then i was distracted by my blog XP so ahwell.ok. TODAY'S TRNG ROCKED. woohoo. clara was doing her backsomer on the hard tramp, and also dunno why suddenly she said why dun u try here? then KABOOM the desire came and so i did. LOL and i didnt die. so i did another. and another. and then another. and then clara gave up looking at me and went to lie on the soft tramp. ^ ^" so fun so fun so fun so fun~~ wahahha. and it was so relaxed la. no teo no stress. no teo noo conditioning also. but clara, our RESPONSIBLE senior made us do 20 leg-ups on the benches each. lol.okayy. i tink i better go...sighh. i hate work.

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06 aUg
lol im blogging alot today. cos i got lots of time wif the com. ^ ^ hehehehe.
YAY mitsuki and i are getting better! =) i smiled more. nyaha.

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09 aUg
HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!
today is a pretty sian day. have to go out with mitsuki again.
i hate going out.
makes me feel insecure. =/
had several thots these few days and might put them in a new link. =/
sighh. why cant i just walk out of that shadow?

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12 aUg
today was an eventful day.
first had the results of gym elections =.="
gdness. then i sprained my ankle when i was abt to go downstairs for lunch.
blame it upon URSELF paul. who ask u so ge-kiang. > <>15 aUg
walau. yesterday was a dispointing day. now i know why i felt so wierd on sat.
i mean walau la. walau. i cant wait for friday. walau. I CANT BELIVE I CREATED A CHANCE FOR HIM TO START SCOLDING ME AGAIN. wth. i shud never have planned that. walau. and YOU GET AWAY FROM ME. WHY ISIT THAT I ALWAYS GET THE LEAST OF WAT I EXPECT AND GET STH DAM FREAKING BLOODY SHITTY.
i mean, it was so bad that the onli gd thing i could think of ytd night was tramp, fiona, hong cheng and brandon. man guys i really appreciate it lor. and jeaness and audrey. thanks very much. mebbe it wasnt really fun. but really thanks for coming. next time, im gonna spend the whole day at the rock.
WTH. MAN. THIS SUCKS CAN. walau. oh just rmbd. tong en reminds me of avril. that was a random thot. sighh. EVERTHING 'S GOING WRONG. I WANNA TRAMP. oh but then again, mebbe my moves will go wrong too. WATEVA.
oh and dun ask me abt it. cos for all u know, YOU may be a part of it. just leave me to get out of this mess alone. thanks.
gdness. what wud i be now if it was grace who got it instead of me?

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22 aUg
many things have happened. and i really dun wanna think abt it. but im gonna type abit tho.
mitsuki has gone! real glad she's gone cos with her i feel dam wei qu, and then guilty cos like im very mean. now she's gone. i dun care alr. =/ i miss hideki, my kyoudai! LOL. i tink he really tinks im crazy ^ ^ mebbe he's got a bruise on his shoulder alr ;) then..i didnt get to say bye to ai..sighh she's reaaallyyy cute. i support u hideki! tsuyokunatte ne! ^ ^
then..had trngs..was a great fa xie but alwaes after it i feel dam empty. its like just temporary before i have to return to the world. i can never imagine the fear halfway thru a backsomer and when u are hanging upsidedown when im in the reality. maybe tts why i love roller coasters. it gives me the feeling of death. feeling of not caring whether i drop down or get flung around. yet alwaes, i dread the climbing out from the coaster carriage or landing back on my feet (or knees) after a somer. and this relates to how i refuse to let go of some memories. i know the pain i will feel when i realise it will be gone soon, yet all day i go think abt it. i really wonder how would my life be if i didnt get into the programme. mebbe me and the spastics wun be drifting. mebbe i wouldnt be in such pain becos i lost both wat i had before and during the trip. mebbe i would not laze during conditioning. mebbe i wouldnt be so eager abt backsomer. mebbe i wouldnt have constant nightmares abt them. mebbe i wouldnt feel so insecure now that i have wierd and painful dreams all night. i probably wun know nor miss mikana, wun have a great person to talk to like hongcheng, wun have a great pair of mates like fiona and nic, wun start my quarsexuality, wun be so dam sad abt sam, wun use so much tears. i wun start my interest on phantom of the opera nor have the will to learn the whole song, wun haf the wonderful experience of being away from parents and sickening work for almost a month, wun haf the joy of having almost 10 ppl with me queuing and riding coasters with me. i wun haf gotten the many first-time experiences i cherish till now. i wun have the collection of fotos i try to avoid looking at now. maybe i wudnt even have a totally black blog. mebbe i wouldnt haf won an indiv gold. i wudnt mug harder for jap than for other subs. i wouldnt know that a song called karma exists. i would never be touched by that song everytime i hear it. i wudnt know what i've missed. mebbe i wud have signed up for next yr's and get a totaly diff story. i wudnt know wat great memories i didnt get but also wat pain i avoided.
yes, im crying as i type. this is me, however shitty i look, however ugly u tink my hair is, however rowdy u may tink i am, THIS IS ME. help me and give me a slap or sth. oh, wats best, u can gimme watsttcalled? amnesia? yeah.

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24 aUg
today was not a bad day. well. better than ytd i guess.
had jap class! went to find mutou sensei to tell her abt the proj thingy again, and had a short lil chat. told her all of us were very sad, then she's very touched. > <> < i was like WAT I TOT 2 HOURS BEFORE ONLY. lol. it was pretty cool to know. then of course she touched on how i was the naughty one, who turned rightside up (leg down) so doc had to perform surgery to get me out lol. :P hehe. then aft tt packed for AIC skit tmr. then sam brot the bad news. -.- but nvm. then i listened to karma while reading my hist textbk, and started to think AHEAD. just like wat fiona said. and guess wat. i started thinking abt horrible things that were inevitable in the future. like my mama dying -touch wood touch wood- o.o that was bad and distracted me from the post-war probs :P lol. im reli itching to learn karma sia. sighh. BRO MUST TEACH MEEEEEE ^ ^

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29 aUg
ok. this is not a great weekend. or shud i say BAD weekend. for once in a very long time i actually spent 3 hours or sth MUGGING. non-stop. without music. and just as i was so proud of myself, i went online. great move aye. =__= went to read winglin and got hooked to s.w.i.m.f.a.n's OLD stories again. chatted with hc while reading and by the time i finished the first story IM LIKE WAT THE SHIT I HATE THIS ENDING and i couldnt even breathe cos my nose was all blocked up. ))x so i had to read a second one which had a happy ending. =(( still i got pretty depressed. oh forgot to say abt trng also. it was a disaster. x((((((((((((( now my straight jump got problem, backsomer got problem, EVERYTHING GOT PROBLEM. I WASNT EVEN ACHING THE NEXT DAY. well maybe my arms onli. x((((((((( AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH somebody gimme lobotomy.

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30 aUg
ok. i was damn pissed at myself when i got my maths paper back. was in a lousy mood till training. my backsomer was like shit la. then got even more pissed at myself until i realised wat was wrong with me. then backsomer better liao, so i cheered up alot. then i started to think, actually it was a very simple reason. i kept zuan niu jiao jian thats why couldnt correct it. then i related it to my long-term depression. my studies. maybe now i tink its useless, but since i got nth better to do and well, i cant quit sch, i might as well just study well. i've alr suffered for ONE WHOLE TERM. i might as well look on the bright side that we are still frens and get a grip on my emotions. im gonna be stuck in rgs, so i might as well spend more time with my great frens rather than wallowing in self-pity and hatred. yep. i will do my best.
you can do the same!